FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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