This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
