Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
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I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid