so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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