i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
