After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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