Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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