Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
