I don't think brook has ever known best
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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