Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
