"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize