It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
