From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
