I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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