Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
