I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
