Whatcha textin bout Willis?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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