i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
