i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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