Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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