Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
