why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
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And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
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There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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