It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
