Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
