I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
