I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
