nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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