non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
