new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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