i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
