I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
