Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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