You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
