Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i drank out of a bidet.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
