And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
