Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
