in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
