i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
