Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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