dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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