i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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