my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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