drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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