He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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