You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
