I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
