i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How does one acquire holy water?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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