what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just google imaged poop.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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