my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
