Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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