before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
