After last night, I could never be a politician.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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