hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
