I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
